I feel Broken - Poem

Here is a poem I wrote, inspired by my first year as a father.
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I feel broken. 

Not for something I’ve done but for something I cannot do. 
I cannot stop my baby from crying, 
I cannot make my baby eat, 
I cannot make my baby go to sleep. 

I feel broken. 

The dog won’t stop barking while she’s taking a nap, 
The laundry won’t stop because the food keeps flying
I cannot control this,
So I feel broken. 

When my daughter breaks something that she wasn’t supposed to touch,
She runs towards me with such glee
Like something magical has just happened
I try not to react.  

She looks at me with laughter and love,
Inside I think of the mess that needs to be cleaned
And the dozen more that were just cleaned before this. 
I stand right in the middle between laughing and crying. 
I don’t know which way to go. 

At least it's not the anger. 

The anger that is no fault of hers or my dog’s or my wife’s or my own, 
But an anger that wants to be fueled. 
That says, “This is your right to yell, to scream, to throw and to hit. 
This is your right because you are a man. You are the boss. You are in charge.” 

By some Grace, it does not take over.
I can say no and it remains deep in my stomach, 
Waiting, wanting to come out. 

I stay right in the middle between laughing and crying. 
Unable to join my daughter in her joy 
Nor turn into my hands and cry
I cannot choose either.

So I sit. 
Just for a moment. 
Just for an eternity. 

My daughter jumps on me
I pull her in.
We stand up slowly
And start cleaning the mess. 

This is how it is
I cannot change it
And yet I will not leave
This is how it is. 

I feel less broken.