Blog - Michael Janyk

I feel Broken - Poem

5/28/2024

Here is a poem I wrote, inspired by my first year as a father.
___________________________________________________________
I feel broken.

Not for something I’ve done but for something I cannot do.
I cannot stop my baby from crying,
I cannot make my baby eat,
I cannot make my baby go to sleep.

I feel broken.

The dog won’t stop barking while she’s taking a nap,
The laundry won’t stop because the food keeps flying
I cannot control this,
So I feel broken.

When my daughter breaks something that she wasn’t supposed to touch,
She runs towards me with such glee
Like something magical has just happened
I try not to react.

She looks at me with laughter and love,
Inside I think of the mess that needs to be cleaned
And the dozen more that were just cleaned before this.
I stand right in the middle between laughing and crying.
I don’t know which way to go.

At least it's not the anger.

The anger that is no fault of hers or my dog’s or my wife’s or my own,
But an anger that wants to be fueled.
That says, “This is your right to yell, to scream, to throw and to hit.
This is your right because you are a man. You are the boss. You are in charge.”

By some Grace, it does not take over.
I can say no and it remains deep in my stomach,
Waiting, wanting to come out.

I stay right in the middle between laughing and crying.
Unable to join my daughter in her joy
Nor turn into my hands and cry
I cannot choose either.

So I sit.
Just for a moment.
Just for an eternity.

My daughter jumps on me
I pull her in.
We stand up slowly
And start cleaning the mess.

This is how it is
I cannot change it
And yet I will not leave
This is how it is.

I feel less broken.

Coming up ski racing with Cassidy Gray

12/22/2023

If we’re all a product of our environment, then Alpine Canada’s Cassidy Gray is a glowing representation of her community. They have shaped her throughout this road to the World Cup and she is still actively motivated by all of them today. I spoke with Cassidy the week leading into their home World Cups in Mt. Tremblant, Quebec. Excited at the opportunity to race on home soil, she shared her journey to becoming one of Canada’s top ski racers.

Back in January of 2021, the twenty-two year old made waves in Canadian ski racing circles when at nineteen, she qualified for the second run at her first World Cup and made points the next day in a set of back to back GS races in Kranjska Gora, Slovenia. “When they [coaches] told me I was starting the World Cup, I was like ‘Oh hell ya!’ I just wanted it so bad.” Her words convey a deep sense of relief in drawing out the “Oh hell” portion of the sentence.

You could sense a growing smile from ear to ear as she recounted the rest of that first World Cup race weekend. “It’s one of those things, you don’t want to tell anyone your goals because you don’t want to sound stupid. You’d rather everyone just be surprised when you achieve them and I think I surprised a lot of people.” A surprise to those looking in maybe, but for friends, family and those who know her well, this was Cass doing what she does best.

With an innate competitive spirit that was nurtured from an early age her family dynamic played a big role in this. “I think I was just born to be a competitive person. That’s just how it is. My siblings and I were just horrifically competitive with each other, anything from free skiing to Monopoly games. It’s a rowdy bunch, that’s for sure.”

Coming from a family of six kids, Cassidy the second oldest, grew up in Calgary and started skiing at the Canadian Olympic Park (COP) in the city. Soon thereafter, the family decided to transition for a bigger mountain, joining the club and racing program in Panorama, BC. “When I started skiing at COP, it was really chill skiing, just doing it for fun and trying to get good enough to get to the chairlift. After a bit, I think my parents realized how much my older brother, younger sister and I liked it and so they put us in the ski program out in Pano.”

“I was only about eight years old but they [her parents] knew I was only going to get carried away with my competitiveness. Which is basically what happened, even though I was pretty bad at skiing at that time. I was racking in the last places like nobody’s business.” Gray chuckles some more, reminiscing on those early days. “But since I was young, skiing was just so fun.”

What lit up for Cassidy was not just the skiing, but everything else that came with the sport. “I couldn’t imagine growing up doing anything else on the weekends. There’s the family aspect, the friends, the aspect that gives you a ton of adrenaline but then you also get to go hang out in the lodge at lunch. It was just such a cool community thing.”

It was in this environment and being surrounded by people who love the sport, that stoked her fire to keep improving. “I just kept going until my last places turned into tenth places which turned into fifths and sixths.” Though she was an active player in this as well. “I also just wanted to go fast. Like every kid who has no brain cells and is on skis.” More laughs from her, “That really helped develop some courage in my skiing.”

A few years into her time with Team Panorama, the sport she loved to do on the weekends suddenly shifted. “Around the 2010 Olympics, Mark Sharp was coaching the national team at the time, and came to Pano for a weekend to ski with the club. I remember that I was like ‘this is an Olympic team coach, this is so cool.’ I wanted to impress him and I didn’t even know what impressing a coach would look like.”

In this bout of inspiration, a new world of possibilities opened up for her. “That was the moment that I realized that you could be an Olympian in this sport. It didn’t have to be just what I did on the weekends, but a professional athletic career.”

After Mark Sharp’s time with Alpine Canada, he returned to his home in Invermere and started coaching Team Pano and working as the club’s program director. Much to Cassidy’s excitement and fortunes, “When I was in U14, he became my coach on the weekdays and I have never wanted to impress somebody as much as little thirteen year old me wanted to impress Mark Sharp. It’s funny, I think he’d laugh hearing me say this now, but I still send him videos of all my best runs.”

This type of extrinsic motivation paired perfectly with her intrinsic desire to get to the top of the group. “I always had a very clear idea of what good skiing looked like and I always wanted more. Like if I was forerunning a U16 race as a U14, I wanted to beat all the U16s. Even though it didn’t matter, I just wanted more and nobody told me I couldn’t have it.” Gray, gave a little chuckle with this. “I just kept believing that everything was possible.”

This march to the top of the field didn’t come without its growing pains though. “Races were such a horrendous reflection of what I was doing in training in U14 and U16. I was losing skis, crashing into the B-nets, DNF-ing. I was very inconsistent but it didn’t strike me as an issue at the time. I was like ‘huh, I just crash all the time.’”

Always ready to give acknowledgement to her supporters, Cass highlighted the power of belief that the coaches gave her. “It didn’t crush me if I had a bad result because my coaches would give me this confidence that I was going in the right direction to become a really great skier. There’s something that’s so different when a coach believes in you.”

The desire to go fast and the courage to stick to getting better, eventually clicked into results. When it did, it wasn’t long for Gray to make big leaps. “I had a pretty good season in my first year FIS. I had my first Nor Am top ten, even though I was shitting my pants now racing and being around all the national team girls.”

Pretty good may be an understatement but Cassidy is naturally humble with her successes. This success came with a unique mindset shift to racing. “When I got to FIS, I was like, this is awesome. I have as many races as I want to do this year and nobody’s watching too closely when you’re starting in the back. It’s basically do what you can with a worse case scenario. I found it a fun little challenge. It was just so much less pressure than in U16.”

Her results after first year FIS qualified her for the national development group. Due to lack of funding though, ACA didn’t have a team and so Cassidy remained with Team Pano for another season. Which suited her just fine. “That year we had an extreme, amazing, elite, super girls team! We had so much fun.” Even with a broken ankle injury that she sustained in the fall from playing volleyball, Cass is grateful for what that group gave her. “The way that they made me forget that I was down and out for a bit, that’s something pretty special.”

Team Panorama created a program for her and her teammates to hit up races that they needed to continue to reach the next level. “They brought us to NorAms and they really provided a program for everybody. Whether you had 200 points or 20 points, we all skied and hung out together, but you could go to the races to match your level. It was a pretty cool situation.”

The following season Gray did move on from her cherished club and community, going up to the Alberta Ski Team. Though it seems through luck or the law of attraction, she found herself in another driven and supportive group of competitive athletes. “My year on the Alberta Ski Team, I had another awesome group of girls and really just an awesome team in general.”

In this more unified and focused team environment, Cassidy’s competitive spirit thrived. “We made each other all so much better. There was a lot of competitive energy. And when we were getting competitive with the boys, then it was getting dangerous. We were all just pushing each other a lot. It was a good crew.” Her smile and slight laughter signalled a deep relish for those days.

In this transition to the Alberta team, Cassidy was also coming into a new group of coaches. “One of the biggest things that the Team Pano coaches did for me is that they gave me the tools to be coached by everybody. They always encouraged talking to other coaches and if they have advice that sparks something in your brain, then listen to them.”

“When I came into the Alberta team, I was able to get a lot of important things from every single coach. It was cool because there’s a lot of experience in this group.” This group being Darin McBeath, Leslie Firstbrook, and Jonas Haehlen, all respected and accomplished coaches in the field.

One of these “important things” was the ever present booster of belief that has run through Gray’s career. “We went to watch Sölden during a camp in Hintertux and while watching the Women’s race, Darin looked at me and said, ‘You know you should be racing this race.’ I was like ‘ya ok’ ‘No I’m dead serious, you should be racing this race.’”

This had an impact on her. “The next day we were watching the men’s race and I remember looking at the hill and saying that the next time I come back here, I’m going to be racing. I’m not coming back here as a spectator.” Sure enough, the next time Cassidy came back two years later, she indeed had a start number on.

Following her season on the Alberta Team, Gray chose to go to the University of Colorado as her next step to reach the World Cup. As luck would have it, that winter, the national team decided to bring Cassidy and Justine Clément over to join them. “It was the Covid year and I wasn’t supposed to start school in January. In December, the national team kind of randomly decided to bring us over to Europe. I think all of the provincial team coaches fought really hard for Justine and I to be able to go over.”

This seemingly random event sparked Gray’s competitive spirit again and proved to be the opportunity that jumped her to the next step. “I was sitting there with them [the national team athletes] and thinking, I’m not going to train with people and try not to beat them. So obviously I’m going to try and beat all these girls who are great World Cup skiers.” Her fire comes through with honesty and laughter.

“When I started skiing well, they [the coaches] mentioned the idea of me starting World Cup, but I just didn’t want to believe anything until it was set in stone. And a few weeks later, they put me in.” Which brings us back to the beginning of our story with Cass, back to Kranjska Gora, Slovenia where she may have surprised most people but herself.

Gray summed up her performance in what seems to have been her approach on most race days of her career. “For me, I’m not going to go easy, I’m not going to let up. I thought this was maybe one of the few opportunities that I would get and I know how hard it is to come by.”

The energy from this result continued and carried her forward. “I was just floating. From that first World Cup Start, I then raced in World Champs, and I got to go to the NCAA finals.” In which she undoubtedly won the GS.

Cassidy then finished her 2020/21 World Cup year with a 27th place in Jasna, Slovakia. “The rest of that season was like that part in the movie where the athlete is doing really well and it just flashes the highlights. It just felt like it was not ending. It was pretty cool.”

All seasons do come to an end though, and we have to start anew. One of these new pieces for Gray is that she was now officially named to the Alpine Canada’s roster. Secondly, there was an upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, China. “I decided to take the year off of school because I didn’t want to come off of this last season and not qualify for the Olympics and feel like I hadn’t given it everything.”

Cassidy did qualify for the Olympics that season, which was an incredible milestone, but the rest of her year wasn’t filled with the same highlights. “Since that first year [on the World Cup] there were a lot of things that happened. It was probably the lowest my confidence in myself has ever been, which was a hard hole to fall into. I had never dealt with that before. I’ve never been in a start gate and not thought that I could win the race and I was suddenly coming into races thinking, I don’t think I have this. That was a really hard year for me.”

Confidence can be a fickle thing and when you’re trying to touch the sun, to be the best in the world, it’s no wonder we need an extra boost from those around us. “I felt a little bit more removed from the community that year. Because it was the Olympic season, we had to be so careful with COVID. I never went home, I never saw my family and I just felt so distant from the community that I grew up loving the sport with.”

There were a few glimmers in that season and likely by no big coincidence, one happened to be back where it all started and surrounded by her community. “The highlight of that season was World Juniors in Pano. We won the gold medal in the team event and that was probably the best race experience I’ve ever had in my life.”

Growth usually comes from the challenges we face and Cassidy is aware of what she’s been through in the last couple seasons. “It has definitely been a little bit of a tougher time for me since coming on to the World Cup. Last season I was starting to get my footing a little more. I picked up a NorAm (GS) title and the first NorAm win of that season was like coming out of the hole. Now I understand why people say ups and downs because it will come back up eventually.”

With the momentum continuing up, she feels like her self belief is back with it. “Coming into this season, I think little Cass is coming back. My confidence is a lot better and skiing wise, in training, I feel like this is probably the best I’ve ever been skiing in my life. I know my stuff again.” Gray stumbles over a few words after this last sentence, and you can tell there’s a joy in her voice. “I don’t really know how to describe it, but it’s just kind of a lightness. You know?”

This lightness could be attributed to feeling the support around her again. Trusting that her team, sponsors and ski company have her back. When directly asked about the role others have played in her successes, she is not shy to share the spotlight. “I don’t think that takes anything away from my work at all. If anything that makes me feel super proud to say that I think I’m a total accumulation of all the people that have supported me.” She pauses for a moment. “Who I am is just a sum of everybody that has added to my life.”

Shortly after our conversation, Cassidy went on to post career best finishes, back to back 24th place finishes in the Mt. Tremblant World Cups in early December. She is looking to carry this momentum into the rest of the season and you can catch her at the next GS World Cups in Lienz, Austria on December 28th and 29th. Also, be sure to subscribe to her new podcast, Bad Boy Line, hosted with fellow national ski team member, Asher Jordan and follow her on Instagram @_cassidy_gray.

Written by Michael Janyk

To Purchase Michael's first book "Go To The Start. Life as a World Cup ski racer" Click here.

Photo sourced from

Coming up ski racing with Justin Alkier

11/16/2023

Not all paths are linear and the linear path isn’t for everyone. Justin Alkier is embarking on his first full season on the World Cup circuit for Canada after capturing one of two NorAm slalom spots from last season's tour. The 25 year old may be the oldest athlete to ever be named to the Canadian national team for the first time and it wasn’t until 23 that he raced for his provincial team, Ontario. But don’t these stats fool you, this long way around path was one of choice, fueled by an intrinsic motivation to always improve his skiing, get better and to one day ski race on the World Cup circuit.

Growing up in Toronto, hockey and skiing were his two sports of choice, both offering outlets for his budding competitive spirit. “My first two years of playing hockey as a kid, we didn’t lose one game. The Soccer team I was on didn't lose, and I was winning ski races. My first years of sports I didn’t lose. I loved the feeling and from these experiences, a super competitive part of me was born. My family likes to tell the story of how I would throw massive fits when I lost playing board games. I hated to lose.”

Starting at the Georgian Peaks ski club, Justin quickly joined the racing program though at age eight, his parents took a year off and moved the family to Verbier, Switzerland. “That year was the first year that I can remember racing and getting to ski a lot. We skied the whole mountain as a family and it was a lot of fun.”

Coming back to Canada and into U14, Justin continued to find success in both hockey and skiing, being on the podium and winning, alongside a couple of his teammates and friends. It wasn’t until U16, when his friends started to grow, get bigger and mature, and he stayed his small size, that he started to struggle and fall back from his top of the pack ways. “I was still one of the stronger technical skiers but I didn’t grow and all… it was frustrating but I knew that I would eventually get bigger and this added to the hunger. I was determined to stick it out.”

Moving into first year FIS, at age sixteen, he hadn’t grown, weighing in at only 135lbs. “I knew right away that I was a good skier, but I wasn’t that strong and my results were nothing special.” Though it could be argued that scoring into the 70s in your first year FIS is pretty special, especially at that size. “My ranking for my age that year in Canada was maybe fifth for GS and Slalom, which is good, but being super competitive, I wasn’t that happy and I felt like there was unfinished business.

As things worked out, Justin graduated a year early from high school, so at sixteen and for his second year of FIS, he chose not to accept an invitation with the Ontario ski team, and instead, joined Treble cone racing academy (TCRA). “This is really where I start to diverge from my peers in Southern Ontario. I was less inclined to join a program with guys my age who were still in high school… and in case the skiing didn’t go anywhere, I could get some experience outside of the province.”

While on TCRA, Justin gained a world of racing experience, traveling extensively throughout North America getting start, after start, after start. “We were really bouncing around, here and there, and that first year I got about 70 starts.” Not only did he have 70 starts, it was 74 and by the end of his two years with TCRA, he had a total of 152 starts, which in those two seasons, is the second most out of any athlete with a FIS card! The only one who had more than him was his teammate at 155. This could take someone with a more traditional path 4 or 5 years to tally this many.

Within these two years, one crossover back with the Canadian system was for the 2016 Youth Olympic Games (YOG) in Lillehammer, Norway. TCRA was training in Colorado at the time with the Ontario team and their coach told Justin about the upcoming qualifying event. “Tommy asked if I was going to Panorama for the qualifiers, which were based on 4 FIS races happening there. I had no idea about them because I wasn’t on the Ontario team and not on the long list of candidates. I went to Pano with my mom and ended up winning 3 of the 4 days for U18s and became the first qualifier for the Games. But because I wasn’t on the long list, I wasn’t cleared by the IOC so I had to wait a week before knowing if I was going or not.” Minor details when you live outside the system.

These Youth Olympics served as a reignition for Justin’s dream of racing at the highest stage of the sport. “The Games were as big as it gets for a sixteen year old and so it starts spinning in your head about what it would be like to participate in the real Olympics. This was an important experience that has kept me going.”

When it came time choosing what was next, Justin always had it in his mind that the American collegiate route was for him. Therefore his focus was not on the national team’s criteria, but more on which schools were the best to pursue ski racing, how to connect with those coaches and reaching a point profile to get him in. “When I knew that I was going NCAA and was trying to decide between a couple schools. Knowing that I was still having fun racing and I wasn’t done trying to push to be a better skier, I decided to go to the school that gave me the best chance to continue ski racing after college.”

Justin chose Middlebury college in Vermont, knowing that their program had had a few racers go through it and on to race World Cup. “Going to school, my thought process was that in four years, it would make sense to keep skiing, regardless of whether or not I would be on the Canadian team because I wanted to give it a go.”

It seems that Justin chose right because he found himself on the team with someone who shared his goals and some experience to match. “I was super fortunate because the other guy that came in with me in my class was Erik Arvidsson, someone who had been on the US Team for three years, World Junior champion and had won NorAm World Cup spots.”

Together, the two of them clicked in this goal of wanting to elevate the program to race and find success on the NorAm circuit. “In our first year, it was just Erik and I who went to a NorAm in Stowe. We both DNFd first run and were driving back to Middlebury to make our afternoon classes. We started talking and joking about how it sucked that we both didn’t finish but also that we were at a NorAm alone, with no coaches and just the two of us. We said to each other that we can make this better… and saw the collegiate experience as an opportunity to grow. Our coaches were super open to this but the responsibility was also on us. To tune our skis before every training day, to have our equipment dialed, to work out mid season, in the spring, and seek training opportunities in the off season when the coaches aren’t able to coach us, as per the NCAA rules.”

The following year, this momentum grew with a couple more athletes joining the program aligning with this vision. “Again, we got lucky. The class that came after us, there were some really strong skiers, one of them being Tim Gavett. Tim’s parents were coaches and organized summer camps for us, which included the likes of Ali Nullmeyer. We were all able to push ourselves and believed that we could do it.” All of this built towards Middlebury’s eventual success where that season the ski team won its first carnival in eleven years.

By Alkier’s junior year, he was having his breakout season, finding success at NorAms and college races. Along with his teammates Erik and Tim, they were one of the strongest teams in the East, winning carnivals and having one of the strongest collegiate presences on the NorAm circuit. But then in March of 2020, during the NCAA finals, everything changed and the world shut down with the global pandemic. A little bittersweet to seemingly drop the hammer on what they were building, but the motivation to continue was still there. “My world ranking was now around 100 in slalom and top 150 in GS and there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to do everything I could over the next year to try and maximize everything. Now I have the world ranking to at least start a World Cup and to be in the mix.”

At the start of the next school year, collegiate sports were cancelled so he looked across the pond. Justin’s parents were living in Switzerland at the time and he decided to spend the winter over there, doing a mixture of online school and taking a semester off to race. He joined an Italian coach he had known from the National Ski Academy and made plans to pursue Europa Cups and the European FIS circuit.

As they say, fortune's favour the bold and taking this chance on a secondary path from school, he found himself training beside the Canadian National tech team in Sass Fee that summer. “At this point I was nominated as a next gen athlete that summer and given that I was already training on the same glacier, the tech group invited me to ski with them. This was my first time ever training with the national team and the athletes knew me, but I wasn’t sure if the coaches had ever heard of me.” Justin shares with a bit of a chuckle. “But training with them went well and they were happy enough with my skiing that they extended the invitation to train with them again in the future if we found ourselves in the same place at the same time again.”

His skiing that winter had a lot of speed in it, but was inconsistent, making flips in Europa cups and then skiing out in the second run. It was good enough to keep the attention of the national team, who invited him to train with them in January of that winter and then a week later, he got the call to time trial for a World Cup spot in Schladming. With his dream so close, the nerves elevated. “Before this, I was always just trying to get better at skiing and trying to win whatever races I was in. But then all of sudden, there were a lot of nerves and I was like, I’m one good day away from skiing World Cup and I may never have this opportunity again. I started preparing for it mentally, started listening to a mental performance book, and trying to get in the right headspace.” he says with a little laugh.

For the time trial, it was an outside the box format. It was between Simon Fournier and Justin, the winner determined by the fastest of four runs over two days and if you DNF’d in any of those runs, you were out. “It was unique but I was new to it all so I didn’t ask too many questions. Maybe the coaches were trying to rattle me a bit.” he shared with a reflective giggle. “My first run was really good and when I saw the time of Simon, I’m thinking that I’m in a good spot. But then I was even more nervous. We both finished our runs that day and things were going well. That night though, Simon decided to head back to Denver for school reasons and the spot was mine. The way it all shook out, it didn’t feel real.”

Real it was and now Alkier was a few days away from fulfilling a major career goal and a childhood dream. “Schladming was really cool. I remember that run feeling pretty nervous the first half and thinking ‘oh wow, I’m skiing a World Cup! This is crazy.’ At the end of the course, I was able to let my skis go a bit and immediately thought in the finish that this was amazing. I wanted to go right back up and do it again!”

Justin finished 37th on the day and a week later, got the chance to race two more World Cups, back to back events in Chamonix, France.

After getting his World Cup debuts, he went back to Middlebury for the next season to finish school and his collegiate skiing career. “Middlebury was always a safety net in a way for me. I had incredible teammates and coaches who helped me become the skier I wanted to be. When it was time to leave, it was tough because I had to figure out how to keep racing without all of this support.”

In a full circle kind of way, the season after college, Justin decided to ski with Ontario, his provincial team, and set his sights on winning a NorAm World Cup slalom spot. “Selection criteria in Canada is tough and this was my only way of making the next step.” This reunited Alkier with one of his U16 coaches and brought him on a team with athletes five to six years younger than him. “This was an unusual mixture of ages for sure, but I enjoyed it and brought forward some new success.” A couple of these big milestones were getting into the Europa Cup points and achieving his first NorAm victory.

Fast forward to the NorAm finals last season in Whistler, BC and Alkier came into the final slalom race ranked second, a World Cup spot in hand. But in racing, anything can happen. “It was a crazy day. I started behind the two guys who were ranked first and third. I went out of the gate and straddled the fifteenth gate and thought it's all over, but then I looked up and saw both of them on the side of the course as well. I ended up getting the spot, which was a huge relief.”

After this result, Justin was nominated to the Canadian team for this upcoming season and grateful to have the support of Alpine Canada to continue his dream “A lot of things could have happened, it’s just the way the sport goes and it’s nice to have it go your way at times. It’s definitely been a long journey, but I’ve enjoyed every bit of it and wouldn’t change a thing.

On the eve of the first World Cup slalom of the season, Justin is keen to make his mark on the circuit but tries to keep a healthy perspective. “I like to look at my life backwards, to picture myself at 80. What do I want to remember my life as? What do I want my family and friends to remember me for? If I didn’t give this whole thing a try, I would regret it.” He paused for a bit as if practicing this exercise for a moment. Then continued, “I keep pushing because the Justin right now likes it, I push for myself when I’m old and I push for a younger Justin who’s dream was to be where I am right now.”

Follow Justin this winter as he races the World Cup slalom circuit. Catch the action on TV, streaming and visit his website, www.justinalkier.com.

Written by Michael Janyk

To Purchase Michael's first book "Go To The Start. Life as a World Cup ski racer" Click here.

Photo sourced from www.Justinalkier.com

connecting through story - Why I wrote go to the start

10/11/2023

During my ski racing career, I routinely sought out books, conversations and interviews from others in different walks of life for insights and inspiration. As I moved further away from my last World Cup race, a strengthening sense of gratitude developed for how much others had given to help achieve my results. In light of this, I wanted to give back in the way that many had done before me, to give back through story.

It was hard to open up at first and talk about the mental pressures of performance and struggles that I went through. It was easy to write about the successes but I knew these were only placeholders for the real story to be told. If I wanted to make a connection with people, I had to share my vulnerable moments and not just the lows, but the intimate steps taken of re-discovery along the way. This was not easy of course, when you spend a lifetime trying to prop yourself up like a superhero and then try to remove the armour, it can hurt a bit.

I had kept a journal over the last years of my career where I wrote my raw thoughts and emotions of the day. If I was feeling angry, elated, jealous, arrogant, or sincere gratitude, I wrote it down. When I sat to write this book, I knew I had to share parts of these journal entries… but which ones?

After reading through many, which were a bit embarrassing to read back, it became obvious that one stood out. It was my very first entry, a letter to my sport psychologist at the time, stating that I was retiring from ski racing. Which ended up being four years before my actual retirement date. I was angry, scared, tired and needed to vent when I wrote it, but most importantly, I was honest and open. In my first draft of the manuscript, this entry was used as my starting chapter and served as a reminder to stay true to the story that wanted to be shared. I also knew that my closing chapter would be of my last World Cup race, so now I just had to fill in the gaps. Over the next eight months and with the help of my book coach, I wrote a chapter a week and slowly saw the story emerging.

When the manuscript was done, it was time to submit to the editor and get my first real feedback.

“Mike, you’ve written a really wonderful manuscript but I’m wondering if you should start the book with a more gentle topic. The journal entry is powerful but you can leave it for later in the book. When it would appear in its chronological order.” She graciously offered.

“No, it has to stay at the beginning! I need to highlight that there were struggles along the way and show the pain. I need to be as open and honest with the readers as possible.” I defended my position, feeling my jaw clench and body tense up with each word spoken.

Luckily my editor was not phased by this response and continued with her kindness and suggestion.

“I agree that this is important, but let the readers get to know you first. Start with something that brings them along the journey with you. Let them be a part of it and then they’ll be more likely to go to the darker places with you.”

I sat in reflection for a while and after the emotion to defend subsided, I could sense that my editor was right. My first approach was like hitting the reader over the head with a message rather than letting them come to it on their own accord. So I changed the opening of the book to a joyful moment when I first became aware of the real reason why I ski raced. Which, spoiler alert, ended up being the same joy I experienced in my last World Cup race ever. I then went through the process of editing my manuscript with the intention of letting people come along this journey with me. When I was done, it read more gently and as the reader, I felt more willing to hear the message that at the beginning, I so desperately wanted to share.

This is the power of storytelling. It allows us to hear difficult messages that change how we think, act and show up in this world. As I start to share mine, I hope my story is able to do this, giving back to the ski racing world that I love so much, the Sea to Sky community, and to my teammates and coaches who pushed me to achieve greater heights than I knew was possible. Maybe most importantly though, I’ve been able to give back something special to my younger self with this book. Giving this kid a road map for how to come out of his darkest hole, back to the light and home to his true sense of self.